I have ways of making you watch this.

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Here is the news

Wonderful technology has made up to the minute news coverage from around the globe an every day occurrence. Well I don't think that's good enough. So here are some of the happening that are going to happen before they happen.

Exam results are the best ever. "Thanks to this government's investment in edukation our youngsters are better equipped for modern working practices than ever before" said the Edukation secretary.
Latest Home office figures show net immigration was 500,621 up on last year. "Without importing the skilled workers from abroad our country would grind to a halt" said  somebody. "And besides we all love a curry" they added later.

The BBC is pleased to announce there latest correspondent, Smithy Resole. He will be the world's first correspondent dedicated to covering Jose Mourinho's press conferences.

Olympics are a great success. People have never jumped higher, longer or faster than ever before. With the drug testing smurfs being fully utilized for the first time we can all be sure that it has been the cleanest games for a generation.
The world of athletics has been shocked by Usain Bolt's sudden death overnight. The coroner stated his heart was 7 times the normal size and it just exploded. He left behind a wife, 2 children and Gay.

After 47 hours of surgery doctors are pleased to announce they have successfully removed Richard Bacons' head from his colon. Still suffering from the effects of the anesthetic Richard could be heard asking listeners "What celebrity did you find up your backside today. Call on 0500 909 693 or Text 85058"

A survey undertaken by NUMPTY has shown that with oil at $200/bbl 87% of people still want fish, cereal and goods in the shops, 7% want the government to do something about it and 6% don't know where they live. Earlier predictions of these industries going to the wall, now seem in doubt. Freight Urban Cargo Karriers spokesman, Pike issued this statement.
"I don't know where they get there figures from. Its not fair. How can we compete with the Zorgans and their anti-gravity machines. All we want is a level playing field. We're a special case we are. We can't pass our costs on. Its inflationary. Did I mention its not fair"

Gavin Esler: "Sorry to butt into our outbreak of world war III story, but we have a world exclusive  from our Mourinho correspondent. Smithy Resole, what is it?"
Smithy Resole: "The BBC has for the first time got a recording of Mourinho farting."
GE: "Are you sure?"
SR: "Mourinho shifted his weight onto his right buttock and released what would normally of been a quite one. But with our new state of the art taxpayer funded microphone it was quite audible."
GE "So what are the consequences of this?"
SR: "Early indications are it is some kind of morse code. Probably a message from god about the meaning of life, the universe and everything. NASA scientists will be decades pouring over the raw data to decipher it. Everyone here is really excited."

If you find quicker news buy it, today.

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HELLO. I'm not on a train.

National Statistics Online
As the above link shows I'm not alone either. Despite the full resources of capitalism being deployed to make people believe they must be connected anywhere, anytime 20% of us remain non-train users.

For those that succumbed to a life of endless banal chatter on the move, I would like to point out that you might as well wear an electronic tag telling govt where you are at all times. "Put the kettle on I'll be home in 2 mins" is it really worth it.

Slight drop in proper telephones though.
Its a blip.
Surely.

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Monte Carlo or Bust

So Jerome Kerviel bet the bank and lost. Oops.
Apparently they can't find him. As a responsible EU citizen I'll give my French friends a clue. The cheapest flight from Paris to Rio is GBP545.60. ONE WAY.

God bless you Jerome.
HA HA HA!

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Freeland

American Indians have just declared independence from the USA.
They will live tax free now.

Anyone want to join me in setting up our own country in England (not part of EU either)

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The Master's Plan

Ed Balls laid out his 10 year plan today for children in England, 'The Children's Plan'. Below are some direct quotes of his commons statement.

• "Parents also want earlier intervention if their child falls behind."
• "To improve services for parents further, and to enable better early intervention, we will publish new guidance for the building schools for the future programme, to ensure that where possible schools are designed to be co-located with other services—health, police, social care, advice and welfare services."
• "...back parents as they meet their responsibilities to bring up their children; and intervene early so that no child or young person is left to fall behind."

Of course Parents won't be given a choice in any of this. Their thoughts or opinions will not be canvassed. So to see what he really means just replace the word 'Parents' by 'the State'.

Hitlers  Browns youth is on the way.

If you want to know the type of person that will be rearing our young just click here.

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Education, education, education.

After 10 years of the control freaks being in power they are spending £78bn pa on "educating" children. Sir Cyril Taylor, a key government education adviser has suggested "sacking poor teachers and recruit fantastic one."
Its a plan so great it leaves you wondering why nobody else thought of it. We are so fortunate to have such enlightened leaders.

NB the QUANGO responsible for coming up with this advice cost £50m.

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