Here is the news

Wonderful technology has made up to the minute news coverage from around the globe an every day occurrence. Well I don't think that's good enough. So here are some of the happening that are going to happen before they happen.

Exam results are the best ever. "Thanks to this government's investment in edukation our youngsters are better equipped for modern working practices than ever before" said the Edukation secretary.
Latest Home office figures show net immigration was 500,621 up on last year. "Without importing the skilled workers from abroad our country would grind to a halt" said  somebody. "And besides we all love a curry" they added later.

The BBC is pleased to announce there latest correspondent, Smithy Resole. He will be the world's first correspondent dedicated to covering Jose Mourinho's press conferences.

Olympics are a great success. People have never jumped higher, longer or faster than ever before. With the drug testing smurfs being fully utilized for the first time we can all be sure that it has been the cleanest games for a generation.
The world of athletics has been shocked by Usain Bolt's sudden death overnight. The coroner stated his heart was 7 times the normal size and it just exploded. He left behind a wife, 2 children and Gay.

After 47 hours of surgery doctors are pleased to announce they have successfully removed Richard Bacons' head from his colon. Still suffering from the effects of the anesthetic Richard could be heard asking listeners "What celebrity did you find up your backside today. Call on 0500 909 693 or Text 85058"

A survey undertaken by NUMPTY has shown that with oil at $200/bbl 87% of people still want fish, cereal and goods in the shops, 7% want the government to do something about it and 6% don't know where they live. Earlier predictions of these industries going to the wall, now seem in doubt. Freight Urban Cargo Karriers spokesman, Pike issued this statement.
"I don't know where they get there figures from. Its not fair. How can we compete with the Zorgans and their anti-gravity machines. All we want is a level playing field. We're a special case we are. We can't pass our costs on. Its inflationary. Did I mention its not fair"

Gavin Esler: "Sorry to butt into our outbreak of world war III story, but we have a world exclusive  from our Mourinho correspondent. Smithy Resole, what is it?"
Smithy Resole: "The BBC has for the first time got a recording of Mourinho farting."
GE: "Are you sure?"
SR: "Mourinho shifted his weight onto his right buttock and released what would normally of been a quite one. But with our new state of the art taxpayer funded microphone it was quite audible."
GE "So what are the consequences of this?"
SR: "Early indications are it is some kind of morse code. Probably a message from god about the meaning of life, the universe and everything. NASA scientists will be decades pouring over the raw data to decipher it. Everyone here is really excited."

If you find quicker news buy it, today.

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