Freeland

American Indians have just declared independence from the USA.
They will live tax free now.

Anyone want to join me in setting up our own country in England (not part of EU either)

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The Master's Plan

Ed Balls laid out his 10 year plan today for children in England, 'The Children's Plan'. Below are some direct quotes of his commons statement.

• "Parents also want earlier intervention if their child falls behind."
• "To improve services for parents further, and to enable better early intervention, we will publish new guidance for the building schools for the future programme, to ensure that where possible schools are designed to be co-located with other services—health, police, social care, advice and welfare services."
• "...back parents as they meet their responsibilities to bring up their children; and intervene early so that no child or young person is left to fall behind."

Of course Parents won't be given a choice in any of this. Their thoughts or opinions will not be canvassed. So to see what he really means just replace the word 'Parents' by 'the State'.

Hitlers  Browns youth is on the way.

If you want to know the type of person that will be rearing our young just click here.

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Education, education, education.

After 10 years of the control freaks being in power they are spending £78bn pa on "educating" children. Sir Cyril Taylor, a key government education adviser has suggested "sacking poor teachers and recruit fantastic one."
Its a plan so great it leaves you wondering why nobody else thought of it. We are so fortunate to have such enlightened leaders.

NB the QUANGO responsible for coming up with this advice cost £50m.

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Genocide is good.

I've always enjoyed a standoffish relationship with wasps. They've never bothered me and I've never bothered them. Some people get in all of a flap over a little 2cm bug. But not me.

Yesterday at 14:12GMT that all changed.

Whilst doing some autumnal garden maintenance a wasp stung me on my left hand, second finger, by the side of the knuckle. Completely unprovoked.

Of course that individual was summarily punished. Hand trowel to the thorax. The feeling of satisfaction was fleeting. In comparison to the enduring sting I hadn't been properly compensated. Only one thing can avenge my finger. To annihilate wasps. Wipe them out, all of them.

Little green men Solution: Invent a virus that is innocuous to humans but lethal to Wasps analogous to HG Wells War of the worlds.

Problem: Don’t own a Bio-lab

Grey squirrel Solution: Find another creature that would out compete the wasp in its own habitat.

Problem: Red squirrels were protected by being on an island until something else was artificially introduced. Wasps have no such protection so are perfectly adapted already. Evolution would have to come up with such an animal.

San Francisco Solution: Sound travels well through dense materials. Turn the whole Earth into a giant speaker and Play James Morrison music continually (but at a frequency beyond human hearing, obviously). This will eventually turn all the Wasps gay. Wasps, with stingers, trying to bugger each other has fatal consequences.

Problem: Too cruel

Osama Solution: Get a group of baby bees to infiltrate a wasp colony. Then when they grow up remind them of what they really are, Bees. Use there sense of isolation to ‘persuade’ them that wasps are the enemy. The only answer is to strap bomb’s to themselves and blow up there former society’s.

Problem: It requires Wasp’s to accept them as there own, and give them social support (as a big fat Bee isn’t as productive as the industrial wasp) until adulthood. And wasp’s just aren’t that fucking stupid.

NHS Solution: Hire Nye Bee-van to set up a socialised health care system. When they start complaining how all the other insects have better health care just repeat “Our NHS is the envy of the world.” parrot fashion. It’s the answer to every question. Eventually all the wasp’s will die of clostridium difficile in their filthy nursing cells.

Problem: None. This is the final solution. Die you fucking useless wasps. DIE!

Radio its really rather good

Now BBC radio Five Live have decided to employ Richard 'lets talk about how great I am' Bacon I have been listening to Radio 4 more often. The other day I stumbled across a new comedy show called Down the Line. Its a spoof phone in show that captures perfectly the chavs, pedants, bigots, liberals, Daily Mail readers (well society in general) and parodies it brilliantly. A couple of the puch lines are given below

• "...its like the kurds but not the kurds...BELGIUM"
• "Apparently they make equality street now. Its got black chocolate, white chocolate and disabled chocolate. Its PC gone mad"

You can catch it on the BBC Radio player until next Tuesday. Gone on you won't regret it.

Billy Hayes - Capitalist Hero

So the CWU are striking because Royal Mail bosses are trying to modernise their offices to be more productive. Anyone would think the Post Office was their to serve its customers rather than provide jobs for CWU workers.
One small point. Mail is no longer an absolute monopoly. So striking just leads to people moving to better, efficient and RELIABLE services quicker than they otherwise would. So the destruction of another nationalised industry is soon at hand. Along with 130,000 low productive, tax-subsidized unionised jobs.
Three cheers for Billy.

Breaking News

I can exclusively reveal that the above girl is not Madeleine McCann.

Abuse your organ

During our lives the govt steals 43% of our output, but as least we were free when we died. Not anymore.
Some govt stooge wants presume consent for organ donation. Of course we will have an opt out. There will be a govt database for all those who don't want to donate. Fortunately public bodies are infallible, otherwise it would be state sponsored desecration of the dead. [Even Muslim terrorists don't do that.] In short the govt is to take ownership of our bodies upon death [in time they will want it
earlier]. 
I knew all along that Socialists wanted to nationalise the means of 
production, but even I didn't think they would go this far.

I'm going to make a stand. I'm going to drink so much my organs will be useless to 
anyone when(if) I die.
Doh! its going to cost me a fortune in tax!

Its rubbish

I have a weekly recycling collection which is great. I leave my recycling box next to my front door and along they
come and empty it.
One of the few things that the council does that just works.

That was until now. Over the last few weeks they have stopped collecting it. Eventually I have to call the council (and talk to someone). Well to be precise I had to call three times before someone answered. Apparently they have had complaints of binmen trampling on peoples flowers. So under council instructions the binmen can no longer enter front gardens. So all householders have to "put out" there boxes on boundary edge.

I have another solution. Why don't the council tell binmen to stop trampling on the flowers?
Isn't this slightly more convenient than getting the whole borough to change their habits.

During the conversation (with what sounded like an Irish gypsy - who else would employ them) it transpires that I now need two boxes - "What you only have one box. No, you need to put your papers into one and your glass, plastics in another. I'll send out another immediately"). So from something that worked I now have to sort and remember to put TWO boxes out. The binmen now have two boxes to empty rather than one. At least I know not all my council tax is being wasted on chocolate biscuits for the councillors.

Please be advised

It has come to my attention that some money making opportunities have opened up.

You should sell shares in

• Transport
  
• Insurance
• Tourism

and re-invest the proceeds into

• Car Makers
  
• Funeral directors
• Construction

This should make a tidy profit. Praise be to Allah.

You don't say

Living in this new era of near free super efficient communication is fantastic. Why just the other day I e-mailed BT customer services which end up with some Indian who politely tells me "...am here to assist you." Just before informing me its not his department so go bother someone else.
So I go bother someone else. He says its not his department either and helpfully transfers me to another department. A computer picks up and offers me a menu. I press '3'. Computer tells me its not its department and hangs up on me. Yes, a fucking computer hangs up on me!

What a great technological advance. How did we cope before.

I'm coming around to the idea of getting a Blackberry. Then I can have some peaseant indian with a degree piss me off regardless of where I am. At least it stops them stealing our credit card data and selling it to the Tamil Tigers.

Of course the alternative is to get someone who could answer my query first time. But then how would BT show off its great communications system if you only had to make one contact and get a relevant reply. Much better to have fifty thousand ways to say get lost instead. That's progress.

Penance

Things Blair has done in 10 years in office

• Banned fox hunting
  
• Destroyed Pensions
• Declared Princess Di the "Peoples' Princess"
• Not saved the NHS in 24 hours
• Killed Dr Kelly
• Not killed Hazel Blears
• Made a dumb blind person Home Sec.
• Made a Scotsman Home Sec.
• Millennium Dome
• Eroded free speech
• Lied about WMD
• Killed 600,00 Iraqis
• Trousered £1m from Ecclestone
• Gave in to pertol duty protestors
• Gave Cherie Blair the chance of putting her face on TV

I will forgive him everything if he keeps one promise. Serve a full third term and call a general election next Wednesday, thereby fucking the 'Iron (Hoof)' Chancellor.

Please note previous blog updated. Well done YouTube.

Protect him, someone protect him!

If you go to the woods today.

Whilst walking through Knighton wood I saw 4 ducks. 3 normal duck coloured and one brown. Brownie was a first sight leading the pack. It quickly became apparent that leading was actually being chased, purposefully.
Lucky ducky.
The frantic zig-zag-ing suggested something a bit more serious than an innocent game of
kiss chase. The largest duck coloured duck caught her. She tried to swiftly change direction but his
weight was too much. She was pinned to the floor.
The 'Prime Directive' prevented me from saving her, so I stayed to watch instead.
One of the other 'suitors' was not going to take sloppy seconds and fought with the large duck. The large duck stepped off brownie to sort out this pathetic rival. Brownie quickly saw her escape and started off away from fat arsed duck. Seeing this, lard arse re-mounted brownie. The self-interested knight resumed his attack.
Quite frankly this was ruinning the whole experience for fat boy, and he resigned himself to an afternoon swimming instead.
A brief respite for Brownie, but its better than gang rape. Then to my astionshment not only did the aggressive-'suitor' not climb on her neither did the voyeur. These weren't potential rapists they were Mum and Dad. Brownies honour has been saved and they lived happily ever after.

Its just not cricket

ICC have brought in bans on alcohol being brought into grounds, Walkers crisps, Coke (as in cola) and musical instruments. Why?
ICC seems to be changing its own remit. From an organisation to run the game, under a fairly standard set of rules, internationally to a micro managing monolith. Of course a tournament needs organizing so who better than the ICC to make decisions "Promoting and protecting the game, and its unique spirit."
"Promoting and protecting the game, and its unique spirit" here means generate loads of money for itself. Spend it all on bringing associate members to sufficient strength on the field that they can just get away with making them full members with voting rights. Do one sided matches promote the game? No. Does it protect the game? No. Must be part of its unique spirit then!
Its the 10 votes from full members on the ICC that actually runs the game. Or more preciously its who controls the majority of the votes, controls world cricket.
So who can be trying to gerry-mander the council then?
Well, lets take a look at the last two entrants Zimbabwe and Bangladesh. Who benefits from Zimbabwe's inclusion. England tried to block there inclusion so I doubt its them. I understand India were big supporters of them. As for Bangladesh, aren't they in Asia somewhere? (Which countries are least impacted by the alcohol ban?)  Such a plan could only be carried out by someone so determined they would kill to get what they want.
So why has the ICC imposed these silly little rules and regulations? Because the ICC is to focused on "Promoting and protecting the game, and its unique spirit" instead of attracting people to cricket grounds.

Central Control of The Voters

So our beloved leaders are implementing the next phase of Project CCTV. Having installed a natonal  network of cameras they now want to install speakers on them so they can "deter anti-social behaviour". what is anti-social behaviour?

• urinating in shop doorways
• spitting
• using mobile phones
• careless walking
• putting hands in pockets
• wearing stripped clothing on a spots day

Who decides?( I so want that job)

In the near future they can connect the cameras to  face recognition software (which already exists).  Once the infrastructure to enforce curfews / track particular known "trouble makers" is in place it would be irresponsible not to use it. If you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to worry about. Its only criminals* that will suffer.
How much longer until we hear "for public safety a ban on all public gatherings, for a brief period of time, is regretable but  necessary" after some unpopular legislation.

Of course all this takes a lot of resources. How can the rulers afford it? I know, let the proletariats pay for their own prison. Brillant!
You might think even plebs aren't stupid enough to do that. Just tell them its to stop littering (or any other trival event that plebs care about) and they
will be begging to be controlled.

This country started going down hill when universal suffrage was introduced. The sooner we go back to having an elite ruling class the better for everyone!?

*criminal = person who has broken ruling class rules, not society rules.

What do we want: GMT. When do we want it: an hour ago!

Contrary to popular belief changing the time on clocks does not alter the amount of daylight in summer.
If you want to do things earlier than you normally do, then may I suggest you do things earlier, not move your clock. Are trains late or is it the wrong type of clock?
In an increasingly connected world then having an agreed standard time is required. But why then change that standard twice a year. They wouldn't change how much a kilogram weighs twice a year would they (I probably shouldn't give them ideas!) . What if they did it for colours. ROYGBIV=>OYGBIVR. Are football supporters meant to start singing "come on you oranges". Would supermarkets have to relabel there fruits yellows? so why time?
I'll tell you why. govt just likes to tell everyone what to do. Basically they are telling everyone to get up an hour earlier just so they can watch all their subordinates obey.
I WILL NOT CHANGE MY CLOCKS. GMT FOREVER.

Thy name is control.

So the thief has taken from the poor (<£18,000pa) so he can give it back upon application, subject to some social engineering. This means that an ever increasing chunk of society are going to have their
take home pay decided not by agreement between employer 
and employee but by the thief himself.
This is an incomes policy by any other name. They tried it in the 70s and it failed then. I wonder what is going to happen this time?

Playing politics with peoples' lives

So the Cypriot government wants to raise the birth rate in greek Cyprus. GBP23,000/baby for the third or more baby a woman gives birth to. Guess what enquiries at abortion clinics have risen by women wanting to wait for the payments to come in.
So the first effect of a government proposal to raise the birth rate is going to lead to more abortions!

Show me the money

Strolling down the road I noticed something quite normal. There was a house that was having a loft extension done. I wonder if they are using the same builders that did the house a couple of doors down?
Having upped the pace to a brisk walk I passed some shops. The last of  three refurbushiments done since christmas is nearly finished now, and quite good it looks to. It was a bit tired but they have got some pouncy pictures on the wall now. Should be able to up prices by 10%, easy. About 273 yards later I couldn't believe the audacity of these people. They had commandeered the pavement with heavy machinery. As I Crossed the road I noticed the sign on the van stating that they installed new drives.
Still you would think they could of waited until I had passed. Fortunately the guy who climbed out of the van signed "Proud -Home Cinema Installation" caused me no such trouble.

What odds a house price crash 2nd half 2007?

I blame the teachers

7 bombs. 0 dead. 9 injured (slightly).
Thanks to Blairs education policy for the past 10 years if we want to build a proper bomb we need to get a paddy in.
No wonder the government isn't scared of the people but the people are scared of the government.

Tips in life

If sainsburys ever make a mistake and they ask you if you want a credit back on your credit card or an e-voucher, go for the e-voucher. They come in multiples of 5 and they will round it up for you.

Do not drop a new roll of toilet paper down the loo. Its really is most annoying and will lead to a new drought order.

No DIY project is too small to get someone in, no matter how trivial it is.

Label meals you freeze. Otherwise you might mix up bolognese (goes with spaghetti) and chilli con carne (goes with rice).

 

Oyster but definietly no pearls

Only 31 days 10 hours and 29 mins. Well that plus 1 e-mail (ignored) and 2 phone calls.
That's the effort required to sort the fair fare, without fanfare, for one tube journey.
First phone call went moderately well. Only 5 different menus to talk to a nice lady at transport for London. It would of been preferable to speak to someone who could speak English, but we can't be fussy in this day and age. Result : failed.
Second phone call took 30 mins, luckily English speaker. Unluckily moron. I had to explain how the Oyster card adds and subtracts fares for him. He has one role in life, and its all too much. Result : pending.

How do you go about hiring such people.
Duties speaking to public on the phone to resolve issues.
Language: Any
Reasoning capability: Optional
I suppose they just use the timeless classic -"we are an equal opportunities employer"

In red ken's socialist utopia this is the future. Lack of ability should be no bar to anyone pursuing the job of there dreams.

I would leave the country but they have even taxed that.

UPDATE: Dim, but nice actually succeed

Tamper with your balls.

Akhtar and Asif do drugs.
Drugs is naughty and not allowed by ICC.
Akhtar and Asif get caught doing drugs.
ICC applys the rules of Cricket.
Akhtar and Asif continue to play Test Cricket.

Darrell Hair applys the rules of Cricket.
Darrell Hair reserve umpire for Kenya v scotland.

There's a moral somewhere. Can you find it?

Peerages for sale (wot about Londoners)

So a member of the Labour hierarchy gets collared by Bill. The rest of the great and the good then criticize said Bill for daring to conduct such an act. Unfortunately when ministers present new bills to parliament, all of a sudden Bill is Gods' representatives on Earth and every civil liberty should be axed at their alter.
Eventually the decision to prosecute will appear on attorney generals desk. I wonder if the "national interest" will be considered again?

Shoulder Chip

Why should I pay £131.50 per annum to listen to adverts for Ch4 Big Brother programme, which costs me nothing to watch.
Why is an annual licence not annual but 11 months plus remainder of the month when you first buy it. With computers now days it can't be difficult to just add 365.25 days to the date of purchase.
Why is the Government so interested in passing a Broadcasting Act, less than three years after the second world war, while rationing is still happening?

I'll tell you why. They are out to fuck you.